Post by Goldilocks on Apr 20, 2018 17:03:23 GMT
www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/
In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.
In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers.
If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept.
I would say I am more on the Ask side. It's easier to communicate boundaries openly than guessing about them, and avoids the trouble of someone wrongly guessing my boundaries.
Guess would only work when all the involved parties have similar needs, which is less likely to happen when you are dismissive and the other person is not.
People who see you having lunch on your own may guess you are lonely and would rather not have to ask for company. So they may ask to join and even when you say no, might think you do not want to impose on them, they may insist. If all involved people do not want to be alone and feel sqeamish accepting company it can be nice for them. But as soon as one does not it becomes really awkward and potentially transgressive.
Distant assumptions and guessy could also be sad. Let's say you are having lunch at the beach and meet a friend. The friend assumes you are going about your own business and do not want to be disturbed beyond a nod. You assume she is busy or needs solitude and nod back and then ignore her. There is not much awkwardness and no one is gently forcing herself on someone, but perhaps you would both have enjoyed sharing lunch and then parting ways.
That's why I like asking with the assumtion no is okay.
In some families, you grow up with the expectation that it's OK to ask for anything at all, but you gotta realize you might get no for an answer. This is Ask Culture.
In Guess Culture, you avoid putting a request into words unless you're pretty sure the answer will be yes. Guess Culture depends on a tight net of shared expectations. A key skill is putting out delicate feelers.
If you do this with enough subtlety, you won't even have to make the request directly; you'll get an offer. Even then, the offer may be genuine or pro forma; it takes yet more skill and delicacy to discern whether you should accept.
I would say I am more on the Ask side. It's easier to communicate boundaries openly than guessing about them, and avoids the trouble of someone wrongly guessing my boundaries.
Guess would only work when all the involved parties have similar needs, which is less likely to happen when you are dismissive and the other person is not.
People who see you having lunch on your own may guess you are lonely and would rather not have to ask for company. So they may ask to join and even when you say no, might think you do not want to impose on them, they may insist. If all involved people do not want to be alone and feel sqeamish accepting company it can be nice for them. But as soon as one does not it becomes really awkward and potentially transgressive.
Distant assumptions and guessy could also be sad. Let's say you are having lunch at the beach and meet a friend. The friend assumes you are going about your own business and do not want to be disturbed beyond a nod. You assume she is busy or needs solitude and nod back and then ignore her. There is not much awkwardness and no one is gently forcing herself on someone, but perhaps you would both have enjoyed sharing lunch and then parting ways.
That's why I like asking with the assumtion no is okay.
