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Post by juniper on Apr 25, 2018 13:31:29 GMT
it took my breath yes ❤️ exactly |
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 25, 2018 14:03:45 GMT
my friend, i am so glad you are here for me, thank you. i see one of my best friends today, who has witnessed my whole process of working through my inheritance from all my ancestors. She is such a great sister to me also. My daughter and i feel good about working together to help mom, and last night we both sat with her to talk about everything that's important to her and to us at this time. It was such a wonderful visit. To have my adult daughter, and my mother, and my self all able to talk the real talk about life and sickness and dying, expressing love and support to each other with no awkwardness, no hiding, no fear... it was beautiful. We had some deep laughter too, what a memeory we made last night. My mom and i have cracked each other up from the beginning of time. She's got such a cute and quirky sense of humor. My daughter is very dry and it made the mix hilarious. This is the way we want to do it. Very relaxed and accepting. To have the help of my daughter is priceless. We both are mothers and daughters and we are also skilled caregivers so we know what to do. What a blessing. This is what we came to do. It is very beautiful and meaningful to be working side by side with your grown daughter. While still a young adult, she is an experienced caregiver and she is able to shoulder this with you. The connection between grandmother, mother and daughter reminded me of the triple goddess. You especially are embodying all facets; Young Juni the maiden, Juniper the mother who has given life and the wise crone who has collected the bones; the names and stories of the ancesters, who transmutes and shares to her siblings as if she was mentoring them. I had a good evening and a decent night sleep. My sister is coming to the hospice meeting today. I understand she is scared and very sad, and i remember that she chose a different path that didn't lead to the same place i am, yet here we are as our paths converge for our dying mother. I feel that i can be the big sister here instead of the littlest. I am the youngest in my family, but find myself being a big sister to my siblings here and i am going to appreciate their need for guidance, because i am able to provide that kind of support. I now have some skilled practical help in my daughter, and am taking care of my feelings with my clan and especially with you Goldi.... somehow our connection has been at the forefront for me. i think it's partly because we can get on here and share at any time, it's woven seamlessly into my day, and we can just walk together through it. You've made a sacred space for me here and sat down with me. the other reason is because apparently you're my soul sister! ❤️ my other three kids and i talk openly, spontaneously about grandma, about what exactly is happening, and how we love her so. They are able to hold down the fort while i am off doing this or that, and they have been so affectionate and understanding. We find ourselves stopping things to just have a long hug. Yesterday we gathered to share what we will miss so much about grandma, and agree that when she leaves her body we will let her have peace and let her be free from this pain. We know she will be back to visit in the wind and butterflies and however else she chooses to say hello, so we will look for her. And cry and cry and cry until our hearts are healed. Ah, this life. Sleeping well is important in healing from the day's work. I am glad you did. The pain we carry can only be denied up to a point. At some point the reckoning comes. We can choose to walk into the darkness and shine our loving light into the sometimes hellish caves of our unconscious an notice the demons are hurt children and bring them into the light of love. We can choose to walk away from the darkness and run from it until it catches up on us. When we have been down into the underworld, and returned more whole, more wise, more gentle... We no longer fear the dark. Death and inherited pain are some of the darkest themes human life contains, yet these themes always come back on our path, no matter what road we have walked so far. There is a golden thread between your heart and mine. ❤️ --------------------------------------------------❤️ |
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Post by juniper on Apr 25, 2018 14:47:36 GMT
Goldilocks, you are narrating my sacred story and i am so thankful for you.
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 25, 2018 15:50:49 GMT
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Post by juniper on Apr 26, 2018 12:13:45 GMT
This is very much a process of losing my "Mind" to find my soul Goldilocks . The narratives that have long stood in my family are coming to the surface. We've not had much interaction, my siblings and i, only holidays. For years. I am extremely triggered by the dynamic with my sister. Our old roles as Me the Scapegoat and Her the Golden Child are rising up in me. These are more than just roles. The true sequence of events in my life involving this woman has been extremely traumatic, involving criminal activity of her child against my child, and mandatory law inforcement involvement because of mandatory reporting laws. It was just another of many situations in which my family was marginalized and invalidated and alienated, when one of us was a TRUE victim, and one of them was a TRUE perpetrator. The victims advocates in that case noted that my sisters response to the situation and her lack of concern for my daughter, her niece, and me, her sister, was something that they had not seen before. I am feeling anger. Repulsion. Disgust. it's triggering so much for me to be in the same sphere as her and i am doing my best to keep that out of my presence with my mother, but my mother of course has as her dying wish a hope to see me reconciled with my sister. I recognize the need to go deeper to uncover rhe transformation in myself with this. I have worked through so much to be able to lay it to rest inside of myself, but my sister chills me to the bone. I am in anguish about my mother. She declines further every day. I accept her demise but hate to see her change and suffer, and i am very sad to see her loss of dignity, i know it's so important to her. I cry and cry and cry in still spaces of my day. My twin brother called me after a visit to her yestersay. He is showing up for mom, and for me. He spoke openly to me about her pain, her decline, and his want to give her whatever she needs to be comfortable. we discussed the real potential of a devastating and rapid decline, and that we would just be as prepared as we can to handle it and accept this reality. He offered to ask his wife to help with the transport of my children from school in the afternoon, so that i can have less pressure and be able to take care of mom without becoming so depleted. My mother's cognition is impaired, noticeably but not alarmingly. Her brain is likely to be affected by cancer and surely is currently affected by medicines to control her pain. My oldest brother seems overwhelmed, i say this because of his non-involvement. He is there when i reach out but clearly deactivating. Yesterday was traumatic for me. Not beyond what i can bear, but i spent a good deal of time opening expressing and crying and saying every thought i have, to some good listeners. I cancelled work and went to get a massage to ease the tension and ache i feel. And to receive touch. I called one of my clients in tears and described the situation and asked to reschedule so that i could grieve and take my boys to sit with grandma. She was extremely supportive and offered her shoulder should i need it. I have not been able to be alone, in quiet and stillness, for many days. My kids go to their father's today, and i will have space open up to return to me. I want to spend some time in meditation, some reading, maybe some walking in the woods. There are deep things being uncovered, but i only see the chunks of soil falling off the shovel and cannot see what is being unearthed, yet. I know a lot, but not everything, about myself. this is a holy time. I want to get still to listen. I am deeply exhausted. |
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 26, 2018 23:20:20 GMT
This is very much a process of losing my "Mind" to find my soul Goldilocks . The narratives that have long stood in my family are coming to the surface. We've not had much interaction, my siblings and i, only holidays. For years. I am extremely triggered by the dynamic with my sister. Our old roles as Me the Scapegoat and Her the Golden Child are rising up in me. These are more than just roles. The true sequence of events in my life involving this woman has been extremely traumatic, involving criminal activity of her child against my child, and mandatory law inforcement involvement because of mandatory reporting laws. It was just another of many situations in which my family was marginalized and invalidated and alienated, when one of us was a TRUE victim, and one of them was a TRUE perpetrator. The victims advocates in that case noted that my sisters response to the situation and her lack of concern for my daughter, her niece, and me, her sister, was something that they had not seen before. I am feeling anger. Repulsion. Disgust. it's triggering so much for me to be in the same sphere as her and i am doing my best to keep that out of my presence with my mother, but my mother of course has as her dying wish a hope to see me reconciled with my sister. I recognize the need to go deeper to uncover rhe transformation in myself with this. I have worked through so much to be able to lay it to rest inside of myself, but my sister chills me to the bone. I am in anguish about my mother. She declines further every day. I accept her demise but hate to see her change and suffer, and i am very sad to see her loss of dignity, i know it's so important to her. I cry and cry and cry in still spaces of my day. Interactions that were once shallow are now so suddenly deep. Your sister is confronting you with the triggers still present in you, simply by coming in with her personality as it is in the moment. Old roles tend to remind us of the ties that bound is in adolescence. We were offered a role... To what extent did we accept it? To what extent do we still identify with a role. A role is a deal. It sounds like your sister took the deal; with all its priviledges and expectations. If the advocates noted your sister to be an extreme outlier, something is likely to be off. Things that are off tend to repulse and disgust us, especially as dismissives. So much has happened and there is much to be angry about. Layer upon layer of harsh feelings and tender feeling and tears upon tears are part of the transformation that speeds up under extreme pressure. My twin brother called me after a visit to her yestersay. He is showing up for mom, and for me. He spoke openly to me about her pain, her decline, and his want to give her whatever she needs to be comfortable. we discussed the real potential of a devastating and rapid decline, and that we would just be as prepared as we can to handle it and accept this reality. He offered to ask his wife to help with the transport of my children from school in the afternoon, so that i can have less pressure and be able to take care of mom without becoming so depleted. Your twin brother sounds awesome. He is stepping up and showing up. The two of you can be honest with one another and are adult enough to handle the realities of the situation in a loving way. He is seeing her needs, and your needs. He has the heart to face these needs and the courage to step up. This is really very good. Good now and good for the decades you have left together as twins. My mother's cognition is impaired, noticeably but not alarmingly. Her brain is likely to be affected by cancer and surely is currently affected by medicines to control her pain. My oldest brother seems overwhelmed, i say this because of his non-involvement. He is there when i reach out but clearly deactivating. Yesterday was traumatic for me. Not beyond what i can bear, but i spent a good deal of time opening expressing and crying and saying every thought i have, to some good listeners. I cancelled work and went to get a massage to ease the tension and ache i feel. And to receive touch. I called one of my clients in tears and described the situation and asked to reschedule so that i could grieve and take my boys to sit with grandma. She was extremely supportive and offered her shoulder should i need it. I have not been able to be alone, in quiet and stillness, for many days. My kids go to their father's today, and i will have space open up to return to me. I want to spend some time in meditation, some reading, maybe some walking in the woods. There are deep things being uncovered, but i only see the chunks of soil falling off the shovel and cannot see what is being unearthed, yet. I know a lot, but not everything, about myself. this is a holy time. I want to get still to listen. I am deeply exhausted. The situation is intense and chaotic and you are the one giving it order and meaning. You hace a lot of stength in your heart, but your muscles are under duress and after each workout you heartmuscle aches so much. I am glad you know how to best care for yourself and I am glad you are indeed taking care of you. There is still much to unearth, much heartwork to do. Meaningful, grueling work. But a yawn is a yawn and an ache is an ache. Rest and heal. The time to dig deeper will come soon enough. |
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Post by juniper on Apr 27, 2018 3:53:53 GMT
❤️ goldilocks!
today was much better emotionally although mom experienced a precipitous decline in her condition and i made very quick decisions for her care.
i received good communication and support from my siblings as they realize the gravity of the situation and how rapidly it can shift.
I am firmly in the leadership role and they are expressing gratitude, as no one has a clue what to do, but me.
i have experience i can draw on and tend to be good on my feet anyway.
So, everyone is behind me now and supportive and actually i don't feel as triggered. i felt like i was swimming against the tide before and that is the story of my life in that family.
Mom woke up afraid to be alone.
Suddenly, today, any movement in her upper extremities wracks her with pain, to the point of tears. So, i moved in with her to take care of all her care so she can rest. We are awaiting palliative care for meds and in the meantime, i am palliative care by cooking, dressing, showering her. Without having to do those things, she is peaceful and her pain is quite manageable.
I actually can get more rest, as i am not driving back and forth and can relax more.
My kids will come visit and also stay at dad's - we have this managed.
It's good to see her comfortable and at peace.
Who knows how long she will continue to live but one day at a time we are making it the best possible.
My twin came for several hours to watch me do some care, compression bandages and the like so he could do it if i wasn't able.
he went to the grocery store with our list, and made us hot dogs because mom wanted one 😍
So, i am getting lots of help now, and my kids are so great. We collectively agreed to continue to honor her as long as she stays, with our hearts open to release her when she is ready to go.
The vision i gave them, is that when the Great Ocean wants her beautiful wave to return to Her, we will watch mom roll out with the tide because she did what she came to do and it is time to go home.
For now, she's at ease and not in a rush to go.
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 27, 2018 8:00:41 GMT
❤️ goldilocks! today was much better emotionally although mom experienced a precipitous decline in her condition and i made very quick decisions for her care. i received good communication and support from my siblings as they realize the gravity of the situation and how rapidly it can shift. I am firmly in the leadership role and they are expressing gratitude, as no one has a clue what to do, but me. i have experience i can draw on and tend to be good on my feet anyway. So, everyone is behind me now and supportive and actually i don't feel as triggered. i felt like i was swimming against the tide before and that is the story of my life in that family. Mom woke up afraid to be alone. Suddenly, today, any movement in her upper extremities wracks her with pain, to the point of tears. So, i moved in with her to take care of all her care so she can rest. We are awaiting palliative care for meds and in the meantime, i am palliative care by cooking, dressing, showering her. Without having to do those things, she is peaceful and her pain is quite manageable. I actually can get more rest, as i am not driving back and forth and can relax more. My kids will come visit and also stay at dad's - we have this managed. It's good to see her comfortable and at peace. Who knows how long she will continue to live but one day at a time we are making it the best possible. It's wonderful that your siblings are truly appreciating that you are taking the lead in this area. Coordinating the care for a loved one in the final stage is tasking and something to be grateful for. There has been a shift in the family relations towards greater health. This shift is surely something your mother notices. Her being the one who has passed the legacy of pain onto you are, it must be a beautiful relief for her to see this pain soften and shift as much as it can. I'm glad to see her at peace. She has done what she could and you have done what she could not. My twin came for several hours to watch me do some care, compression bandages and the like so he could do it if i wasn't able. he went to the grocery store with our list, and made us hot dogs because mom wanted one 😍 So, i am getting lots of help now, and my kids are so great. We collectively agreed to continue to honor her as long as she stays, with our hearts open to release her when she is ready to go. The vision i gave them, is that when the Great Ocean wants her beautiful wave to return to Her, we will watch mom roll out with the tide because she did what she came to do and it is time to go home. For now, she's at ease and not in a rush to go. I really love how you and your twin are connecting and working together. While you are taking the lead, he is following in your footsteps, ready to fall back on. This is in itself quite supportive. There is so much acceptance in the fact that she is both ready to go and welcome to stay. This fully allows for the process to unfold as it may. Waves of the sea of emotions come as they do. You all let them wash over you. Over all of you. Just as they do. ~❤️~ |
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 27, 2018 8:13:59 GMT
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Post by juniper on Apr 27, 2018 13:01:10 GMT
❤️Goldilocks, i cried reading this.
Your voice, as you witness and reflect my story,
is so nurturing and nourishing to me.
I do not know what i would do without you , because you have me every step of the way and i am so thankful.
I feel like you are an angel, sent to me and my mother and my entire family.
They don't know that i can only show up with such strength because i am being held up by angels.
But it's true.
I cannot express my deep gratitude.
There are no words.
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 28, 2018 22:15:41 GMT
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Post by juniper on Apr 28, 2018 23:08:05 GMT
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 29, 2018 13:05:35 GMT
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Post by juniper on Apr 29, 2018 14:22:02 GMT
her favorite quote is
The best is yet to be
the last of life
for which the first was made
she has it framed on her wall, surrounded by butterflies
she is ready, and we just are walking out her days
i don't know if they are many or few
i sense the latter
what a sacred time
we are just resting and being together
waiting for her to fly
i love my mom
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 29, 2018 17:02:08 GMT
This is indeed a sacred time.
She is ready, your family is whole.
This time is holy.
At last she will have wings.
Be among the butterflies.
She is ready to fly.
Love has healed you all.
❤️
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