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Post by juniper on Apr 24, 2018 4:37:47 GMT
Today, my sense that my mother's condition was in serious and rapid decline was confirmed by a terminal cancer diagnosis.
I am her primary caregiver, and i have seen her in excruciating pain this last month with no effective treatment, and her condition has declined so rapidly.
I have been coming to terms with this for a long time, and i am able to grieve honestly and it's been a deep experience.
My 3 siblings are also avoidant. So much. I didn't know about attachment theory until the last couple of years and my heart is full of compassion, for all of us.
I know my brothers from the inside, we were children together in a very painful home. I know their hearts. They are so tender. And so defended against pain.
They have been out of touch in this situation. I know that they are hurt and angry by my mothers history with them.
there is so much pain, on both sides. I have learned that there are generations and generations of deep pain, abuse and survival in my family. My mother grew up in an emotional hell. She has healed a lot, but still has so much grief about what she was unable to understand or provide for us kids. I work with her to heal this grief, and our relationship is so deep and so powerful and healing for me. This is a tremendous outcome for such a terrible situation.
I am estranged from my sister. The dynamic is very confusing and painful to me. I don't understand what happened there. She may have deeper issues that i can not define or understand, she is mysterious to me. She has alienated some other people in her life and i am certain this is all from trauma. But it's painful to be involved (not involved ) with. Mostly i don't think about her, my life has moved to another chapter and level but times like this bring this situation forward.
Anyway, today i called my brothers to tell them the news. I felt very connected and supported by them, and i could tell they were in pain and looking to me for support and guidance.
Our conversations today were deep and emotional, genuine. They shared their pain and vulnerabilty as i have not seen before. I have worked through a long process of reconciliation and healing and was able to offer them deep understanding, a perspective that embraced them, and mom too, because of what i have learned about attachment theory and what it is to be a dismissive.
My twin brother and i sat with my mother to night, and he shared that he didn't know how to do this, how to go through it. The purity of his expression was so moving. He spoke so eloquently and directly about his feelings, and my mom listened so openly. Then she shared hers so genuinely also, and he reciprocated and honored her truth.
It was so beautiful. And so striking, because i don't recall this kind of emotional honesty and safety, ever.
It's all a product of the healing we have taken individually, and i am moved by it.
I know that it's tragic that it didn't happen until faced with my mother's decline. But somehow, this late, is good enough. I never imagined i would be a part of this, my family healing. It has seemed impossible; i had stopped considering it a possibility i guess.
I have more to say, but i am sad. I am touched by the changes happening, and very sad about it all too, all of it. There has been so much.
But i have hope now, it broke my heart to see the wounds tearing everybody apart. Somehow there is a glimmer of light that is really bright in spite of my grief.
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Post by juniper on Apr 24, 2018 5:14:29 GMT
i did not know my ancestors on my mom's side. or my dad's.
i met a couple of them when i was young, but i would not have remembered their faces if i saw them again.
Our family, My Family, was estranged, siblings, parents, cousins, so much alienation. The legacy was a broken legacy.
Three years ago i embarked on an effort to learn all of my mothers ancestors names, and their stories.
I corresponded with an aunt who had documented everything, she gathered and protects our story.
she shared it all with me.
That is how i came to forgiveness for my mother. I came to understand her. Her Story. And her mother's story, her father's story. All of my ancestors have a story. And that story leads to me, my siblings, my children.
So i understand this legacy now. And i forgive.
I shared this with my brother, as we sat with my mom. I described the home she suffered in as a child, and the names and stories of her parents.
I did this all the way back, some generations. Who suffered, from what. What they tried to do. What they could not do.
He listened very intently and with so much love. He didn't know their names or their faces or what had happened,before this. He didn't know all of our heritage. I never did until three years ago but i had forgotten that because i have been immersed in it for theee years.
This was incredibly healing to acknowledge all this with my brother who all his life denied any pain, any wounding.
He understands it now.
He was so open.
We have not been close for many many years. But i felt very close when i shared our story with him and i know that a whole new chapter has begun.
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 24, 2018 5:39:18 GMT
Today, my sense that my mother's condition was in serious and rapid decline was confirmed by a terminal cancer diagnosis. I am her primary caregiver, and i have seen her in excruciating pain this last month with no effective treatment, and her condition has declined so rapidly. I have been coming to terms with this for a long time, and i am able to grieve honestly and it's been a deep experience. The grief of a dying parent is one of the most intensely emotional experiences. The ability to grief honestly is a result of all the hard work you have done. A healed heart can wholeheartedly accept even the bleakest of realities and process, even transmute it. Deep pain is deep pain. This is beautiful, but certainly not pretty. My 3 siblings are also avoidant. So much. I didn't know about attachment theory until the last couple of years and my heart is full of compassion, for all of us.I know my brothers from the inside, we were children together in a very painful home. I know their hearts. They are so tender. And so defended against pain.They have been out of touch in this situation. I know that they are hurt and angry by my mothers history with them. there is so much pain, on both sides. I have learned that there are generations and generations of deep pain, abuse and survival in my family. My mother grew up in an emotional hell. She has healed a lot, but still has so much grief about what she was unable to understand or provide for us kids. I work with her to heal this grief, and our relationship is so deep and so powerful and healing for me. This is a tremendous outcome for such a terrible situation. Your heart is whole and even in pain, it is large enough to be full of compassion for your siblings. You witness the pain and tenderness in their hearts and know from experience tha pain of an armored heart. You also see your mother in wholeness. You feel they pain she has passed on to you and your siblings, yet with your spiritually grown heart you also she how she in turn was bathed in pain by previous generations. You see the whole with you whole heart, and your whole family is seen. This is beautiful and you also see the beauty while seeing the pain. I am estranged from my sister. The dynamic is very confusing and painful to me. I don't understand what happened there. She may have deeper issues that i can not define or understand, she is mysterious to me. She has alienated some other people in her life and i am certain this is all from trauma. But it's painful to be involved (not involved ) with. Mostly i don't think about her, my life has moved to another chapter and level but times like this bring this situation forward. Anyway, today i called my brothers to tell them the news. I felt very connected and supported by them, and i could tell they were in pain and looking to me for support and guidance. Our conversations today were deep and emotional, genuine. They shared their pain and vulnerabilty as i have not seen before. I have worked through a long process of reconciliation and healing and was able to offer them deep understanding, a perspective that embraced them, and mom too, because of what i have learned about attachment theory and what it is to be a dismissive. My twin brother and i sat with my mother to night, and he shared that he didn't know how to do this, how to go through it. The purity of his expression was so moving. He spoke so eloquently and directly about his feelings, and my mom listened so openly. Then she shared hers so genuinely also, and he reciprocated and honored her truth. It was so beautiful. And so striking, because i don't recall this kind of emotional honesty and safety, ever. It's all a product of the healing we have taken individually, and i am moved by it. I notice that you are seeing and feeling all your siblins as they are. And your mother as she is. As she is in this moment of heaviness and heavy hearts. Your ability to see and feel and embrace the heavyness sounds extremely supportive to your family. Youe twin brother is expressing his vulnerable feelings and your mother respons with an open heart. At last. At last, which is both heartbreakingly sad, and heartbreakingly beautiful. I know that it's tragic that it didn't happen until faced with my mother's decline. But somehow, this late, is good enough. I never imagined i would be a part of this, my family healing. It has seemed impossible; i had stopped considering it a possibility i guess. I have more to say, but i am sad. I am touched by the changes happening, and very sad about it all too, all of it. There has been so much. But i have hope now, it broke my heart to see the wounds tearing everybody apart. Somehow there is a glimmer of light that is really bright in spite of my grief. You fully accept that this has not happened earlier. You have inner peace with it happening now. You even deeply appreciate family healing happening now. You also fully accept your sadness and the need to feel sad. You need not be lighthearted to have light in your heart. You are able to hold the light in your heart while it is at its heaviest. You see the light in the darkness and also are the light that shines upon your family. A legacy of pain and repression is intensely tragic, yet the release from intergenerational suffering is deeply beautiful. Your heart is healed and whole. You are wholeheartedly experiencing both the tragedy and the beauty. |
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 24, 2018 5:53:01 GMT
i did not know my ancestors on my mom's side. or my dad's. i met a couple of them when i was young, but i would not have remembered their faces if i saw them again. Our family, My Family, was estranged, siblings, parents, cousins, so much alienation. The legacy was a broken legacy. Three years ago i embarked on an effort to learn all of my mothers ancestors names, and their stories. I corresponded with an aunt who had documented everything, she gathered and protects our story. she shared it all with me. That is how i came to forgiveness for my mother. I came to understand her. Her Story. And her mother's story, her father's story. All of my ancestors have a story. And that story leads to me, my siblings, my children. So i understand this legacy now. And i forgive. Your forgiveness is healing and tranmuting the broken legacy. You have collected the names and stories of your bloodline and bathed them in understanding and forgiveness. Each story linked with gold in a fully understood and forgiven chain. You are an Alchemist. You have transmuted the lead that has been heavy on all of your hearts to pure gold. You are still tranmuting, and this is hard work. This is heart work. I shared this with my brother, as we sat with my mom. I described the home she suffered in as a child, and the names and stories of her parents. I did this all the way back, some generations. Who suffered, from what. What they tried to do. What they could not do. He listened very intently and with so much love. He didn't know their names or their faces or what had happened,before this. He didn't know all of our heritage. I never did until three years ago but i had forgotten that because i have been immersed in it for theee years. This was incredibly healing to acknowledge all this with my brother who all his life denied any pain, any wounding. He understands it now. He was so open. We have not been close for many many years. But i felt very close when i shared our story with him and i know that a whole new chapter has begun. What you are doing for your brother is an incredible service of the heart. You are giving him all the means to heal his heart. To liberate his heart to feel love and understanding. He has accepted the treasure you offered. He has embraced the transmuted legacy you have prepared. Your mother is also witnessing this and seeing this. You are all there together embracing what has been passed onto you. A legacy of lead turned to gold. |
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Post by juniper on Apr 24, 2018 12:21:18 GMT
Goldi, i don't know how you can say it so profoundly, so beautifully.
i think you are an alchemist with my words! ❤️
i am so moved by what you have written here.
I am moved beyond words. Thank you for witnessing this for me.
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 24, 2018 17:07:15 GMT
 Kintsugi means “golden joinery,” referring to the method of restoration. The veins of gold run across a broken piece of pottery. The spiritual belief is that the gold honors the history of the piece. It’s not about seamlessly hiding the cracks, but respecting and highlighting what the piece has endured. It also suggests that there’s an integration of the wounding or scarring of the object, with its new life. ~❤️~ |
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Post by juniper on Apr 24, 2018 17:11:31 GMT
Kintsugi means “golden joinery,” referring to the method of restoration. The veins of gold run across a broken piece of pottery. The spiritual belief is that the gold honors the history of the piece. It’s not about seamlessly hiding the cracks, but respecting and highlighting what the piece has endured. It also suggests that there’s an integration of the wounding or scarring of the object, with its new life. ~❤️~ i am sitting here with my mother Goldi and i am going to show this to her right now. I am touched by the beauty of your responses to me. |
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Post by juniper on Apr 24, 2018 17:14:12 GMT
i sent it to my brothers also ❤️
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 24, 2018 17:51:54 GMT
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Post by juniper on Apr 24, 2018 18:17:02 GMT
i am blessed to say that my bond with my partner is deep and strong and supportive and i have relaxed into the care i can receive from him during this.
❤️
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 24, 2018 19:33:53 GMT
I'm glad that you are receiving the support from your partner that you need in this time of hard work and heavy hearts.
I'm even more glad you are relaxing into his care.
You are accepting both his care and your need to be cared for.
This is a hallmark of healing.
~❤️~
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Post by juniper on Apr 25, 2018 0:16:56 GMT
i am forced to go through a liaison to have communication with my sister who has isolated herself from us siblings and others.
She is too confused and scared to be of practical help.
my mother needs close care for meals and self care. if she moves her pain is excruciating and she falls to despair.
she is not ready to leave her home.
i am coordinating everything and hospice rep comes tomorrow to us for beginning that process.
My siblings are unable to confront the extreme pain and the impending death of our mother. I have been closely involved taking care as she has declined so i am not afraid and i am very comfortable with all aspects of it, even as i grieve. i cook for her and take care of her chores and just sit as much as i can.
I am taking care of everything without help.
because no one can face the pain of it enough to be proactive.
my brave daughter age 21 is a cna and has volunteered to tag team with me to be with her several times a day for help and comfort until we have hospice on board.
To be truthful, i am angry at the difficulty my siblings have facing this on a practical level. I do understand. but there is no time for processing. she needs help as soon as her next meal. should she go hungry or put herself in excruciating pain to eat because people are scared? i cannot fathom being limited by fear the way my siblings are now.
I am just having a hard time with that. But i have found a solution in my daughter. And i have to take some time to decompress and take care of all these big feelings tonight. for 24 hour i have been in crisis management mode. i am ok but really feeling it.
i just bought a gorgeous orchid for my daughter to take tonight as she helps mama go to bed, and i know she will love it. i am really sad.
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 25, 2018 4:56:13 GMT
It is a hard position to be the only one able to face enough of the pain to handle even practical things, let alone offer emotional support.
It is a hard time, so of course you have a hart time with it.
It is okay to feel anger at the emotional inprisonment your siblings are facing, especially as it has the consequense of all the practical work falling on you.
It is okay to experience all the feelings that are washing over you in this heart time.
I am glad your daughter is so brave and so able to help.
I am glad you are appreciating her help and her braveness.
Yet I am also glad the hospice will come soon.
Taking care of a close relative in the final stages is physically and emotionally exhausting.
No matter how much appreciated, is is a heavy burden to bear.
Having someone lift that burden from you now and then is necessity rather than luxury.
You and your daughter also need to rest and heal.
Processing your emotions and providing emotional confort to your mother is already a full day of work.
Feel free to outsource any practical chores at your mother's place or yours.
Take care.
Take good care of you and your daughter.
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Post by juniper on Apr 25, 2018 12:07:17 GMT
my friend, i am so glad you are here for me, thank you.
i see one of my best friends today, who has witnessed my whole process of working through my inheritance from all my ancestors. She is such a great sister to me also.
My daughter and i feel good about working together to help mom, and last night we both sat with her to talk about everything that's important to her and to us at this time. It was such a wonderful visit. To have my adult daughter, and my mother, and my self all able to talk the real talk about life and sickness and dying, expressing love and support to each other with no awkwardness, no hiding, no fear... it was beautiful.
We had some deep laughter too, what a memeory we made last night. My mom and i have cracked each other up from the beginning of time. She's got such a cute and quirky sense of humor. My daughter is very dry and it made the mix hilarious. This is the way we want to do it. Very relaxed and accepting.
To have the help of my daughter is priceless. We both are mothers and daughters and we are also skilled caregivers so we know what to do. What a blessing. This is what we came to do.
I had a good evening and a decent night sleep. My sister is coming to the hospice meeting today. I understand she is scared and very sad, and i remember that she chose a different path that didn't lead to the same place i am, yet here we are as our paths converge for our dying mother. I feel that i can be the big sister here instead of the littlest. I am the youngest in my family, but find myself being a big sister to my siblings here and i am going to appreciate their need for guidance, because i am able to provide that kind of support.
I now have some skilled practical help in my daughter, and am taking care of my feelings with my clan and especially with you Goldi.... somehow our connection has been at the forefront for me. i think it's partly because we can get on here and share at any time, it's woven seamlessly into my day, and we can just walk together through it. You've made a sacred space for me here and sat down with me.
the other reason is because apparently you're my soul sister! ❤️
my other three kids and i talk openly, spontaneously about grandma, about what exactly is happening, and how we love her so. They are able to hold down the fort while i am off doing this or that, and they have been so affectionate and understanding. We find ourselves stopping things to just have a long hug. Yesterday we gathered to share what we will miss so much about grandma, and agree that when she leaves her body we will let her have peace and let her be free from this pain. We know she will be back to visit in the wind and butterflies and however else she chooses to say hello, so we will look for her.
And cry and cry and cry until our hearts are healed.
Ah, this life.
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 25, 2018 13:23:57 GMT
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