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Post by Goldilocks on May 1, 2018 18:27:43 GMT
juniperIt sounds so disrespectful to cheat when there are young children. It's so brave that you left.
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Post by juniper on May 1, 2018 18:42:29 GMT
juniperIt sounds so disrespectful to cheat when there are young children. It's so brave that you left. he was abusing substances as well, and there were so many risks to the well being of my kids and i. i lost everything, my home, everything material. but! i was able to direct the care and wellbeing of myself and my children and that makes me proud.
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Post by Goldilocks on May 1, 2018 18:47:41 GMT
Makes me proud of you too!
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Post by juniper on May 4, 2018 12:24:26 GMT
yesterday, during the course of the day my partner and i were lobbing light texts back and forth. Toward the end of his work day, he sent a text saying he had had a hard day, and was feeling down. My response was to call him, and his response was to answer my call.
This seems like such a natural thing, but for two avoidants, it's really beautiful.
I wanted to encourage him to find someone to sit down and share with, me or anyone he trusts to be a compassionate listener, because in my work toward secure relating and inner peace i have found that the act of verbalizing my thoughts and feelings with another person really changes my physiological state, as well as the narrative i am telling myself about whatever is going on.
I am noticing how as i reach out to him like this to be available, that i wasn't doing this well in the earlier part of our relationship. i felt a sense of shyness or intimidation about showing up to offer my support, as if i was afraid of rejection if i revealed myself in that role for him.
I didn't realize how showing up for him this way means showing myself as i really am, my own thought processes, feelings , internal reality. I reveal who i am in the advice i give, and i notice that when i show up as this good friend i find myself saying "Be yourself juniper, as you are to yourself and anyone else who is hurting."
One might think he is the only one being vulnerable to share his pain or vulnerability or fear, but it's an equal exchange that involves some kind of vulnerability for me also. I am just becoming aware of my growing authenticity in relating to him.
I am able to reveal myself as Supportive Friend very easily in other relationships, as naturally as breathing, but here i noticed the shift from hiding to revealing, it’s happens over time in my relationship with him.
I can see myself expanding into my own wholeness through our dynamic, i can see myself taking a new shape, the shape of Me.
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Post by Goldilocks on May 4, 2018 13:42:44 GMT
This seems like such a natural thing, but for two avoidance, it's really beautiful. It is indeed beautiful, and I am happy for you. How is your state changing? Would you describe it? Because I think this is an area of continuing work for me. On one hand, I actually do open up and feel more open in the moment. On the other hand I also feel raw and vulnerable and a bit awkward about those feelings. When I hear people talk about sharing their problems as a relaxing and comfortable activity, that must be the reason they find it soothing to experience closeness and they can be in company more often. Some do lack in self soothing skills and are reluctant to be alone. I believe the healthiest way is flexibility; the ability to enjoy and benefit from both.
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Post by juniper on May 4, 2018 14:27:22 GMT
This seems like such a natural thing, but for two avoidance, it's really beautiful. It is indeed beautiful, and I am happy for you. How is your state changing? Would you describe it? Because I think this is an area of continuing work for me. On one hand, I actually do open up and feel more open in the moment. On the other hand I also feel raw and vulnerable and a bit awkward about those feelings. When I hear people talk about sharing their problems as a relaxing and comfortable activity, that must be the reason they find it soothing to experience closeness and they can be in company more often. Some do lack in self soothing skills and are reluctant to be alone. I believe the healthiest way is flexibility; the ability to enjoy and benefit from both. yes, i can try to describe it. first i will describe what i feel when i see myself hiding, in interaction or non-interaction. I cloak myself , under duress, alert to a sense of predation- i feel hunted somehow. I think this stems from being the target of abuse. When i hide, when i cloak myself, it isn't with a sense of trembling fear, it's with a sense of confidence in myself, i am wily and i know how to traverse my inner landscape without you finding me. I know what to do, and it doesn't involve you. You can come looking, but you will not see me. I know my places, i know where i can go and be still inside myself. When i reveal myself, intentionally, i feel an internal sense of expansion. There is a sense of openness to another animal, a welcoming from the pack. i can show my flank, and not feel the need to take a protective stance. As a woman, i remove my veil, with a sense of solidity and beauty in myself. This is not me saying "Help me.". This is me saying "See me as I am." It is a sense of blessing myself and the other with the beauty and natural rawness of who i am. It is a sense of not fighting, not fleeing, not freezing, but just being relaxed with who and how i am, it is a sense of Union without Dependency. It is a sense of honesty and honoring what is, in myself and the other. I create a space for the other to also remove their veil, show their flank, and just be as they are in response to me. I remove a dam and let water flow, in me, and around me, around Us. I open a window for a new breeze. These are the best ways i can describe what happens in my body and my heart and mind when i reveal myself as i am, instead of going deep into the woods to shelter. Does it make any sense, can you feel me Goldilocks?
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Post by juniper on May 4, 2018 14:59:18 GMT
and as far as the narrative... it changes from me telling myself there is something i have to do to protect myself against danger or loss, so that i can survive... to understanding that i can just be, and experience the feelings, without it leading to a sense of futility or emptiness. I can relax and count my blessings, and go from survival into living, being, experiencing, and being ok with sadness and loss, in good company with other beings who suffer and find hope. I can realize the beauty of the experience, the steadfast reality that life is full of beauty and grace and healing, even in seasons of change and uncertainty.
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Post by Goldilocks on May 4, 2018 17:18:20 GMT
I feel you.
Trusting that I am among my pack is key here. Trusting not just mentally but also embodied trust.
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Post by juniper on May 4, 2018 18:46:41 GMT
I feel you. Trusting that I am among my pack is key here. Trusting not just mentally but also embodied trust. yes. ❤️
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