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Post by juniper on Apr 30, 2018 13:01:36 GMT
My partner and i are each carrying very very heavy burdens in our lives. Mine are of a personal nature, and he is facing a double whammy of personal and professional situations that are extremely challenging.
Historically, we each tend to withdraw under duress in order to cope. I noticed my partner withdrawing. it takes a little time to recognize a deviation from our typical patterns of outreach and response, but i sensed him hurting and addressed that directly with him yesterday.
He said that he just felt lost in trying to find the answers to things he is facing. These situations are profoundly painful, rather unusual.
What i am celebrating, is both my capacity yesterday to be completely vulnerable to tell him what he means to me and what i cherish and admire about him. I am celebrating my capacity to share my insight and my encouragement about topics that i would previously have considered too deep and revealing to approach with him, due to intimacy fears and a hesitance to let him see me in my entirety.
I am celebrating his reaching out, and his capacity to reveal his deepest emotional blockages, and the fear and uncertainty his challenges are creating for him.
I am celebrating his awareness of his vulnerability and need for fellowship, friendship, and support.
He shared that he always felt invincible, and capable of accomplishing anything no matter how difficult, on his own. He has always closed himself off and held himself in when it came to his own suffering. And now, he realizes he can't do it alone. But he isn't sure how not to.
It turns out, that the simple answer is by sharing everything he did with me. That's how not to do it alone.
Instead of relating in pattern, by deactivating and stoically taking the lone approach, we two dismissives found an hour and a half to pour our hearts out to each other and it means so much to me. It transformed my day to be able to do that! And his, he made it clear. He had a better day than he's enjoyed for some time, with a new perspective on how to begin to create more of that.
We have come so far, and to me it is a miracle to be able enjoy this friendship with him.
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 30, 2018 19:42:31 GMT
Beautiful!!
You are both growing comfortable with being vulnerable in showing more of yourselves, reaching out to one another, trusting the other to show up and appreciate each other showing up.
Being seen, heard, known and loved is in itself supportive.
You really have come very far!
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Post by juniper on Apr 30, 2018 19:51:47 GMT
Beautiful!! You are both growing comfortable with being vulnerable in showing more of yourselves, reaching out to one another, trusting the other to show up and appreciate each other showing up. Being seen, heard, known and loved is in itself supportive. You really have come very far! it's interesting to observe what happens internally. i did experience a deep deactivation in myself when i noticed him withdrawing- when i put it together. took me a minute. But what i did was to just ask if i could call him so we could talk and we talked so deeply, so long, and added to our growing intimacy. the exact opposite of what happens when i actually move into deactivation behaviors. So, it's success in overcoming a trigger and actually using it to create an opportunity for deeper intimacy! i felt so peaceful and content about him after our conversation. in the past, i would have deactivated or allowed him to ( i just realized i did the same for him that he did for me.. just gently pulled in) but instead, its onward and upward feeling more supported, equally. it really is just so rewarding! and what a blessing to me as i am taking care of my mother. this would definitely be a solitary situation for me in the past. I have so much close support at this time. i feel like my life is a miracle. |
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 30, 2018 19:57:37 GMT
I think we tend to see improvement in behaviour before concepts and concepts before emotions.
Though I do think the sensations have been improving gradually. How is this for you?
I like how you asked to call him and found the courage to open up.
Life is a miracle, yes :-)
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Post by juniper on Apr 30, 2018 20:33:05 GMT
I think we tend to see improvement in behaviour before concepts and concepts before emotions. Though I do think the sensations have been improving gradually. How is this for you? I like how you asked to call him and found the courage to open up. Life is a miracle, yes :-) yes, i agree with the progression behavior > concepts > emotions. the sensations are improving gradually. even my need for solitude , through this ordeal- i have felt it but not been overwhelmed by it. i gently acknowledged it and assured myself that at the soonest available opportunity i would make it a priority. I like that i called him too! 😍 you know what is really sad, he felt overwhelmed and insufficient for me, not because of any expectation on my part but how he felt such a loss of self confidence reacting to the stressors in his life. He had come to the conclusion that he couldn't handle all of it alone, but reflexively withdrew as we tend to. He said specifically, that he didn't want to bring me down. i took that opportunity to tell him what about him inspires me and brings me happiness. He was loooking at himself through a totally different lens but it really did encourage him to hear my perspective. Goldilocks, what kind of things do you notice you are making progress with? |
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 30, 2018 21:15:39 GMT
I communicate my needs a lot more effectively.
I'm opening up to my friends about my childhood.
I share more of my feelings.
It still takes me a while to trust people, but less of a while :-)
So those are the behaviours, and on the inside, I notice the sensations in my body before they get strong. I'm more often generous of spirit. Because of this, I am less likely to feel negative emotions based on the combination of strong sensations and old judgements.
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Post by Goldilocks on Apr 30, 2018 21:19:16 GMT
you know what is really sad, he felt overwhelmed and insufficient for me, not because of any expectation on my part but how he felt such a loss of self confidence reacting to the stressors in his life. He had come to the conclusion that he couldn't handle all of it alone, but reflexively withdrew as we tend to. He said specifically, that he didn't want to bring me down. i took that opportunity to tell him what about him inspires me and brings me happiness. He was loooking at himself through a totally different lens but it really did encourage him to hear my perspective. That is sad. It sounds like he had a concept of "unable to handle stress alone"="bringing others down"="Not meeting expectations" I'm glad you could offer and alternative; of him inspiring you and making you happy. |
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Post by juniper on May 1, 2018 0:08:10 GMT
I communicate my needs a lot more effectively. I'm opening up to my friends about my childhood. I share more of my feelings. It still takes me a while to trust people, but less of a while :-) So those are the behaviours, and on the inside, I notice the sensations in my body before they get strong. I'm more often generous of spirit. Because of this, I am less likely to feel negative emotions based on the combination of strong sensations and old judgements. This is all so wonderful. While it can be uncomfortable at first to share our true stories with others we would like to move closer too, there's also a sense of freedom and lightness that comes with moving past our own barriers to intimacy. I have been open with people about the truth of my life for a few years now. To be able to do so consistently and remain in contact with the person i confided in, (and also complete recovery from the trauma), has only been the past 3 years or so. So i have made a lot of progress in that area but i remember , when i first began to open up and cultivate that kind of intimacy, i deactivated A LOT. it would start with a sensation in my body, after i had left the presence of the person i shared with. It felt like a twisting of my stomach, a hard twisted lump. i don't know if it was shame, or fear. I had a fear of my revelations being used to judge me or manipulate me. of course that was conditioned by my childhood experience. It was a natural internal reaction to having my experiences minimized, denied, blamed on me, or completely twisted against me. So it did take time to move past that. I wasn't aware of attachment theory when i first started opening up, so i didn't know what deactivation was. I just knew i went back into solitude over and over and it took a lot of time and continuing work to be able to cultivate close relationships. I do feel very comfortable with the level of trust i share with my inner circle. It's wonderful. i am so happy that you are able to better communicate your needs. This is something that i have become quite good at, and it feels like being my own best friend. I am very good as advocating for the underdog, i have been all my life. But it was only in recent years that i have been able to be a good advocate for myself. This is an area that my partner is really struggling with. He finds that after many years of being the go-to guy, the Needless One, the one you can turn to, the guy with endless capacity to work work work, he now is unable to keep up, and has no boundaries in place to limit demands on him. He realizes that being indispensable gave him a sense of value and purpose, He realizes that the hectic pace insulated him from pain. He realizes that his business success gave him a sense of accomplishment that he relied upon to feel good about himself. But now, as he recognizes the need to go deeper, heal, understand himself, take care of his inner self as well as his physical need for rest, nourishment, and his interest spiritual endeavors... he is struggling against long standing business and personal relationships where he hasn't said "No." or "Not now" or "I cannot". It's something we as dismissives struggle with, and i celebrate this progress with you! As a dismissive, i have also benefitted by tuning into physical sensations as indications of what is going on, so i can take care of it sooner and not let the past triggers of those sensations overlay the present. It's all very very good work. ❤️ |
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Post by Goldilocks on May 1, 2018 6:57:55 GMT
I communicate my needs a lot more effectively. I'm opening up to my friends about my childhood. I share more of my feelings. It still takes me a while to trust people, but less of a while :-) So those are the behaviours, and on the inside, I notice the sensations in my body before they get strong. I'm more often generous of spirit. Because of this, I am less likely to feel negative emotions based on the combination of strong sensations and old judgements. This is all so wonderful. While it can be uncomfortable at first to share our true stories with others we would like to move closer too, there's also a sense of freedom and lightness that comes with moving past our own barriers to intimacy. I have been open with people about the truth of my life for a few years now. To be able to do so consistently and remain in contact with the person i confided in, (and also complete recovery from the trauma), has only been the past 3 years or so. So i have made a lot of progress in that area but i remember , when i first began to open up and cultivate that kind of intimacy, i deactivated A LOT. it would start with a sensation in my body, after i had left the presence of the person i shared with. It felt like a twisting of my stomach, a hard twisted lump. i don't know if it was shame, or fear. I had a fear of my revelations being used to judge me or manipulate me. of course that was conditioned by my childhood experience. It was a natural internal reaction to having my experiences minimized, denied, blamed on me, or completely twisted against me. So it did take time to move past that. I wasn't aware of attachment theory when i first started opening up, so i didn't know what deactivation was. I just knew i went back into solitude over and over and it took a lot of time and continuing work to be able to cultivate close relationships. I do feel very comfortable with the level of trust i share with my inner circle. It's wonderful. i am so happy that you are able to better communicate your needs. This is something that i have become quite good at, and it feels like being my own best friend. I am very good as advocating for the underdog, i have been all my life. But it was only in recent years that i have been able to be a good advocate for myself. It started gradually for me. I remember a friend telling me I could open up more so I would come across more warmly. That was when I was 23. At the time it was mostly surface level stuff but still awareness and a step in the right direction. I did tell some friends about my father, but not about how it impacted me. In my late twenties, I started feeling more trusting of my friends, having then known them for years. I opened up a lot more. Then in my early thirties, my friends and I all had experiences where we really needed support and we showed up for each other. This was after ten yearsof friendship though. Now recently, I have opened up to friends whom I have known for under two years. This required more courage as I have actually taken a risk. I felt emotional and stressed while telling my story, but I did not getinto a deactivation process. I actually felt closer and stayed with my friends longer than planned. I did feel the need for solitude in the morning, but definitely in a balanced way. Some time to process my own feelings and sit with them. I did feel tired. Identifying with being strong and indispensable can trap a person into not feeling okay about needing rest and support. |
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Post by Goldilocks on May 1, 2018 7:02:48 GMT
It's important to recognise that saying no to a business or social event is also saying yes to healthy sleep, hobbies, healing and solitude.
These are undervalued in our society, especially for men.
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Post by juniper on May 1, 2018 12:21:38 GMT
It's important to recognise that saying no to a business or social event is also saying yes to healthy sleep, hobbies, healing and solitude. These are undervalued in our society, especially for men. yes, during our conversation he mentioned that he had been invited to an event that day, his one day off, and felt pressure to go but didn't want to. he has never EVER had anyone validate his need to solitude! Ever! This is one of the best things about being dual dismissive... lots of validation and support while we grow to embrace who we are.  I told him, if he wants to stay home and rake the same 2square feet of ground all day he can and should, and it requires no justification to anyone, no excuse. Just politely decline and take your time! In fact, he did, and had a satisfying day by himself. I don't make excuses anymore, i consider my solitude to be an appointment and i regularly show up for it without apology 😊 I am so thankful that you and i can share so deeply, on the boards and off. Welcome to my inner circle, Goldilocks ❤️ |
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Post by Goldilocks on May 1, 2018 14:40:17 GMT
😄
I too feel so much gratitude for having you in my life.
People are not entitled to judge your spending of your own time.
It's so much easier to be with someone who understands and validates your needs. Being accepted as you are actually frees you up to become your best self.
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Post by juniper on May 1, 2018 17:28:29 GMT
The idea of holding my partner accountable to me for his time or who he engages with is so far off my radar, that when i think of it i laugh. i have a vague outline in my mind of his days. We talk every day and see each other as often as we are able to arrange our responsibilities. But if we miss time i have no concern about his good intention toward me.
When triggered into deactivation, it's an internal fear that has nothing to do with being paranoid about his behavior. it's my own conditioned response and with diligence, i am overcoming it. He noted the other day, that i am doing so much better with it, being brave. He was appreciating my work.
i don't know why we would be involved if we wanted to hurt or lie to each other. we want to help each other be the happiest and healthiest we each can be.
i am not at all naive, i have been with partners who cheated on me. It's a nightmare.
But our dynamic is mutual trust and respect.
I return to this fundamental rule:
my partner is my good friend and it feels like it.
if it were otherwise i would certainly step.
I have no right to make him be other than he is, and the reverse is true as well.
this is my first relationship that i have experienced like this, and it's been a day at a time growth process involving openness, letting go of the past, attention to the person i see and love in front of me in the present moment, and allowing us both to just be.
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Post by Goldilocks on May 1, 2018 17:57:37 GMT
You treat each other like adults and with respect and trust.
It's kind and beautiful and accepting.
❤️
When you got cheated on in a previous relationship, how did you feel and what did you do?
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Post by juniper on May 1, 2018 18:22:05 GMT
You treat each other like adults and with respect and trust. It's kind and beautiful and accepting. ❤️ When you got cheated on in a previous relationship, how did you feel and what did you do? i felt punched in the stomach. i had two young children. I felt betrayed and disrespected. I left the marriage and let him go. Not a fan of disrespect. |
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