Post by Goldilocks on May 2, 2018 10:41:45 GMT
www.goodtherapy.org/blog/avoidant-attachment-part-1-dependence-dilemma-0201184
www.goodtherapy.org/blog/avoidant-attachment-part-2-downside-of-preservation-0201185
The Freeze State: Hiding and Hoarding
When fight and flight are not viable options, we move into freeze. We avoid detection and conserve resources.
That urge to disappear, to become small and quiet—that’s freeze. In decreasing presentation of Self, we decrease risk of being seen. We preserve our chances of survival. For those on the avoidant side, being seen may feel unsafe. But this creates internal conflict.
We may have been born with an innate drive to connect and lean on others, but survival has overridden attachment, though the drive for attachment remains active. The yearning to be seen and loved is countered by the drive to become small and invisible to threats. When safety is the underlying goal, hiding becomes nuanced, entangled in everyday behaviors that others may not even recognize.
When fight and flight are not viable options, we move into freeze. We avoid detection and conserve resources.
That urge to disappear, to become small and quiet—that’s freeze. In decreasing presentation of Self, we decrease risk of being seen. We preserve our chances of survival. For those on the avoidant side, being seen may feel unsafe. But this creates internal conflict.
We may have been born with an innate drive to connect and lean on others, but survival has overridden attachment, though the drive for attachment remains active. The yearning to be seen and loved is countered by the drive to become small and invisible to threats. When safety is the underlying goal, hiding becomes nuanced, entangled in everyday behaviors that others may not even recognize.
www.goodtherapy.org/blog/avoidant-attachment-part-2-downside-of-preservation-0201185
Healing
If the dilemma lies in our dissociation from discomfort and our own internal denial of social needs, then healing comes in recognition and gradual exposure to discomfort in feeling and expressing those needs. This healing might include leaning vulnerably on others and feeling met at our own level. A sense of agency in meeting our own social needs can feel liberating, and as our bodies learn to relax, over time we may find it even easier to meet those needs. We experience others as more safe and open as we ourselves open up to their presence and accept ourselves the way we wish to be accepted by others.
These tips can help further healing:
Notice your use of dissociation and dissociative activities.
Notice your breathing and heartbeat when conflict approaches.
Speak more. Experiment with using words, directly and precisely, even when uncomfortable. (Keep in mind that language centers in the brain can go offline when heart rate increases or breathing becomes constricted.)
It’s okay to ask about intent instead of automatically attributing hostile or manipulative intent to the actions of others.
It’s okay to ask for do-overs.
It’s okay to ask for breaks during conflict and return once bodies calm.
It’s okay to express what you know they need to hear. You may be surprised at the lack of judgment, even if you “go overboard.”
Learn to apologize.
Express a need each day.
Express an emotion each day.
Experiment around emotions, discovering which feel safe and which feel like a struggle.
Notice patterns you’ve inherited from parents or caregivers. Own those as changeable generational patterns versus unchangeable identity.
Read and memorize the list of avoidant strategies and notice when you use them.
Know that transition from self-time to together-time might feel unsafe and energetically draining. If we learn to recognize and observe safety in connection (in the present moment), this can become a source of energy rather than a drain on our reserves.
Securely attached people more often make decisions that are good for all partners in a relationship.
Learn to differentiate fear from anger (in self and others) so you can meet your partner when they need you most and when you need them most.
Get out of your routine. Travel together. Get away from familiar resources to places where your partner becomes your resource and automatic and dissociative activities are not an option.
Make some household chores a shared process.
Articulate thoughts and emotions as they arise, just for the sake of feeling known.
Ask for the spotlight.
Ask for help, even if it’s just a small favor each day.
Join a group.
Notice resources you hoard and practice sharing them until it feels comfortable.
If your relationships feel “broken,” find a therapist who specializes in attachment.
When your partner asks for a big response instead of a calm exterior and moving toward them feels unbearable, consider leaning into their emotion, validating it, taking responsibility for your part, and experimenting with the idea that allowing things to get bigger may bring you closer to the safe space you seek.
Observe someone loving you. Notice their face, their posture, and the experience in your own body when holding that space. Love need not be felt in retrospect alone. It can feel very present, and this is where the healing happens.
If the dilemma lies in our dissociation from discomfort and our own internal denial of social needs, then healing comes in recognition and gradual exposure to discomfort in feeling and expressing those needs. This healing might include leaning vulnerably on others and feeling met at our own level. A sense of agency in meeting our own social needs can feel liberating, and as our bodies learn to relax, over time we may find it even easier to meet those needs. We experience others as more safe and open as we ourselves open up to their presence and accept ourselves the way we wish to be accepted by others.
These tips can help further healing:
Notice your use of dissociation and dissociative activities.
Notice your breathing and heartbeat when conflict approaches.
Speak more. Experiment with using words, directly and precisely, even when uncomfortable. (Keep in mind that language centers in the brain can go offline when heart rate increases or breathing becomes constricted.)
It’s okay to ask about intent instead of automatically attributing hostile or manipulative intent to the actions of others.
It’s okay to ask for do-overs.
It’s okay to ask for breaks during conflict and return once bodies calm.
It’s okay to express what you know they need to hear. You may be surprised at the lack of judgment, even if you “go overboard.”
Learn to apologize.
Express a need each day.
Express an emotion each day.
Experiment around emotions, discovering which feel safe and which feel like a struggle.
Notice patterns you’ve inherited from parents or caregivers. Own those as changeable generational patterns versus unchangeable identity.
Read and memorize the list of avoidant strategies and notice when you use them.
Know that transition from self-time to together-time might feel unsafe and energetically draining. If we learn to recognize and observe safety in connection (in the present moment), this can become a source of energy rather than a drain on our reserves.
Securely attached people more often make decisions that are good for all partners in a relationship.
Learn to differentiate fear from anger (in self and others) so you can meet your partner when they need you most and when you need them most.
Get out of your routine. Travel together. Get away from familiar resources to places where your partner becomes your resource and automatic and dissociative activities are not an option.
Make some household chores a shared process.
Articulate thoughts and emotions as they arise, just for the sake of feeling known.
Ask for the spotlight.
Ask for help, even if it’s just a small favor each day.
Join a group.
Notice resources you hoard and practice sharing them until it feels comfortable.
If your relationships feel “broken,” find a therapist who specializes in attachment.
When your partner asks for a big response instead of a calm exterior and moving toward them feels unbearable, consider leaning into their emotion, validating it, taking responsibility for your part, and experimenting with the idea that allowing things to get bigger may bring you closer to the safe space you seek.
Observe someone loving you. Notice their face, their posture, and the experience in your own body when holding that space. Love need not be felt in retrospect alone. It can feel very present, and this is where the healing happens.
