Post by juniper on May 7, 2018 14:23:50 GMT
I have encountered something that feels frustrating to me.
There is an individual in my life who is prone to worry and anxiety and pessimism and has not addressed that in her own mind.
When i encounter challenging situations, if i share with her, she is unable to accept the truth of my personal perpspective of it. I have encountered much trauma in my life and have developed an inner peace grounded in present moment awareness that avoids catastrophizing and overthinking.
I have found that dealing with the moment as it is, in acceptance of pain and difficulty, is the most effective and comfortable way for me to endure difficulty. I don't tend to either zone out or become overwhelmed with handwringing and self pity. I feel capable and able to understand that much of our human life is difficult, and i don't have to look far to see suffering that is much worse. Therefore, even in trying times it is possible to identify causes for gratitude and happiness, and keep them in mind.
When the situation is resolved, i prefer to let it go, and again be in the moment, with situation resolved and a new situation arising.
This is not to minimize difficulty, but to handle it skillfully with understanding that this is part of this life.
However, this person will not accept that this is where i truly am, and will try to uncover despair in me that isn't present. She will say things like "i know it must be very difficult for you and that you are struggling more than you are letting on.". "I know you are afraid to let your pain show."
These kinds of conversations are well intentioned but actually cause more frustration than my current stressors, as i feel put in a position to reiterate and try to calm down her perception. Not because i don't think it's ok to become overwhelmed, or struggle, but because i want to be seen for where i truly am, instead of having worry, anxiety, and overwhelm projected on to me.
its draining! I have come to clearly understand that empathy must be built on a correct UNDERSTANDING of a person, that is brought about by LISTENING to their account of themselves, and not PROJECTING or ASSUMING that one knows "Better."
It is feels invasive and like a big violation of my boundaries to be mind-read by someone who is trying to be supportive. it is not supportive, it is obstructive. i am communicating and not being heard or validated. i am being invalidated. and it takes my energy away from the situation i am supposedly overwhelmed about.
i would feel much better supported to be trusted to know myself, and to be encouraged where i am, instead of drug down to where i am not.
If i am overwhelmed i have no problem getting the support i need. I actually find it overwhelming to be put upon like this and need to soothe the "empathizer". This morning when she was repeating this pattern with me i gently said that i would like to correct this , and explained that empathy is the capacity to understand and feel where a person truly is, through listening and affirming, rather than projecting ones own perspective on the situation. i explained how the current dynamic was affecting me and my ability to focus on the situation that required my energy and attention.
it was well received. i feel good about speaking up about it, but i also feel frustrated that this occurs. I have experienced a lot of projection from "Over Empathizers" and those prone to anxiety and being driven by fear, and it's been an oppressive thing in my life that i have largely eliminatedby surrounding myself with people who have better emotional boundaries.
I hope that i can be seen as i am and not as a projection of this individual's inner state, because the relationship is important and it would be much more comfortable and satisfying for me to not have to defend myself or shut it down.
Just coming to more awareness of what bothers me and what to do about it.
There is an individual in my life who is prone to worry and anxiety and pessimism and has not addressed that in her own mind.
When i encounter challenging situations, if i share with her, she is unable to accept the truth of my personal perpspective of it. I have encountered much trauma in my life and have developed an inner peace grounded in present moment awareness that avoids catastrophizing and overthinking.
I have found that dealing with the moment as it is, in acceptance of pain and difficulty, is the most effective and comfortable way for me to endure difficulty. I don't tend to either zone out or become overwhelmed with handwringing and self pity. I feel capable and able to understand that much of our human life is difficult, and i don't have to look far to see suffering that is much worse. Therefore, even in trying times it is possible to identify causes for gratitude and happiness, and keep them in mind.
When the situation is resolved, i prefer to let it go, and again be in the moment, with situation resolved and a new situation arising.
This is not to minimize difficulty, but to handle it skillfully with understanding that this is part of this life.
However, this person will not accept that this is where i truly am, and will try to uncover despair in me that isn't present. She will say things like "i know it must be very difficult for you and that you are struggling more than you are letting on.". "I know you are afraid to let your pain show."
These kinds of conversations are well intentioned but actually cause more frustration than my current stressors, as i feel put in a position to reiterate and try to calm down her perception. Not because i don't think it's ok to become overwhelmed, or struggle, but because i want to be seen for where i truly am, instead of having worry, anxiety, and overwhelm projected on to me.
its draining! I have come to clearly understand that empathy must be built on a correct UNDERSTANDING of a person, that is brought about by LISTENING to their account of themselves, and not PROJECTING or ASSUMING that one knows "Better."
It is feels invasive and like a big violation of my boundaries to be mind-read by someone who is trying to be supportive. it is not supportive, it is obstructive. i am communicating and not being heard or validated. i am being invalidated. and it takes my energy away from the situation i am supposedly overwhelmed about.
i would feel much better supported to be trusted to know myself, and to be encouraged where i am, instead of drug down to where i am not.
If i am overwhelmed i have no problem getting the support i need. I actually find it overwhelming to be put upon like this and need to soothe the "empathizer". This morning when she was repeating this pattern with me i gently said that i would like to correct this , and explained that empathy is the capacity to understand and feel where a person truly is, through listening and affirming, rather than projecting ones own perspective on the situation. i explained how the current dynamic was affecting me and my ability to focus on the situation that required my energy and attention.
it was well received. i feel good about speaking up about it, but i also feel frustrated that this occurs. I have experienced a lot of projection from "Over Empathizers" and those prone to anxiety and being driven by fear, and it's been an oppressive thing in my life that i have largely eliminatedby surrounding myself with people who have better emotional boundaries.
I hope that i can be seen as i am and not as a projection of this individual's inner state, because the relationship is important and it would be much more comfortable and satisfying for me to not have to defend myself or shut it down.
Just coming to more awareness of what bothers me and what to do about it.
