Post by juniper on Apr 21, 2018 13:41:11 GMT
Both my partner and i have dismissive attachment. This has contributed to a mixed bag of benefit and detriment in our relationship.
Our attraction and regard for each other has been strong from the beginning and continues, even stronger as time and experience with each other goes on.
While we share the same attachment style and have a deep appreciation and understanding of the ways we are similar, the attachment wounds have obviously created in each of us our own insecurities, misunderstandings, blind spots, defenses, and trust issues.
In the early days, while our friendship was growing and our sexual bond was very strong, we both had a very difficult time trusting the intentions and care of the other. I'm not referring to intention as far as commitment to relationship- i mean, will you turn against me, do you want to know me, do you respect me, can i share with you when i am having a bad day?
Am i important to you?
I can look back at the things that would trigger pain between us, and see so clearly that it all started with misunderstanding and viewing the other through a smudged lens. So a conversation that seemed good to one would have triggered the other and nothing was known until we werent speaking.
Often it was in communication, something innocuous would trigger the other into a doubtful or defensive stance, and as avoidants, the triggered one would not address the ping of pain as it happened and question it. Instead, the misunderstanding was pocketed and taken home for reinforcement by analysis and rumination. We both had a tendency to do this.
Our subsequent reactions to the trigger were different.
my history is full of relationships dangerous to both my emotional and physical well being.
I have really only experienced high levels of abuse in my relationships, and i am certain that my ability to enter into and remain in such grave situations was conditioned by the extreme personality difficulties and violence in my parent's relationship.
So, even after overcoming PTSD and physical trust issues to the point of completely eliminating abuse of any kind from my life, and even while i enjoy many healthy and peaceful and loving intimate relationships amongst friends and some family, i have a deep self protective mechanism around conflict in romantic relationship . We all do, i am sure. Mine is very decisive, action oriented, and sudden. that's because in the past i have had to act quickly to avoid damage to my head and body. so a serious trigger can lead to an undetected (by my partner) withdrawal of myself to a place of physical solitude and a sudden and seemingly irrevocable end to the relationship. it's been a hard wired response that i had little control of in the past. it was very painful to me on the inside while it was happening but it was like i was making a tough but responsible choice to drop everything and return to my stasis and i could not be swayed.
when my nervous system calmed and i got past the trigger, i and my partner would be left with a rather painful situation that was difficult to rectify. of course i felt shame and confusion at my own instability. it's not how i wanted to be. and he felt blindsided and hurt and the trust was eroded.
Sometimes we spent a little time apart regrouping and having uncertainty about our connection, sometimes we spent weeks broken up. Our deeper connection consistently brought us back together. We've always been able to talk deeply to understand what happened, but a logical knowing vs. an emotional ability to heal from it prevented us from really settling into a comfortable trusting bond.
The last time i broke up with him, i felt completely unable to continue the cycle and so did he. our issue was NOT only how i responded to triggers, strongly and automatically. there were issues in communication and openness that created a fertile ground for the land mines that needed to be addressed. Both of us maintained a certain level of ambivalence and ambiguity in the relationship naturally, as avoidants, that consistently kept our growing attachment to each other in check.
We sabotaged ourselves.
During our estrangement, the last time, I spent a good amount of time going very deeply into inner child work, and also specifically addressing my own communication to ensure clarity, authenticity, and vulnerability. Eventually i had an epiphany in this work that enabled me to approach my partner with a new sense of inner peace and security. it didn't happen in just those months apart. it was the culmination of years of work that came to maturity with my willingness and diligence to make a big push forward when i was faced with losing him forever, because of my own rejection of him and not the other way around. My unconscious reactions had to heal.
I did approach him with my new self, my more resolved and integrated and healed self. We reunited with an intention toward deep friendship. Our time apart was useful to both to make concrete our real desire to resolve conflict and improve our relationship stability. Neither were sure what direction our relationship would take, either friendship or a resumed romantic progression. All we knew, and expressed, is that we wanted to be good to each other and stop hurting each other and never say goodbye again.
Over the time that has passed since reconciling, our dynamic has changed completely. In a good way. We haven't repeated the pattern of pain! I have noticed some obvious changes in his communication as well as my own. It's endearing, actually, to see him looking for clarification as frequently as he did, while we rebuilt trust. i didn't realize how often HE was triggered, but it became apparent with his new habit of asking me "What do you mean, i don't understand." He had been misunderstanding and becoming defensive internally, so often, without my knowing! And on my side, i had been also in a pattern of ambiguous or double entendre communication to avoid vulnerability and intimacy.
It didn't take a very long time to make adjustments in our level of honesty, gentleness, "generosity of spirit" (as Goldilocks has illuminated ) and tolerance for another point of view. Our bond is deep and safe and sweet, and so much more relaxed and stable. We aren't having the setbacks we used to have.
Recently, i experienced a deep and intense deactivation trigger due to the decline of my ailing mother. It flipped me into a deactivating mechanism with my partner and after months of wonderful and safe relating i was overcome by a sudden and seemingly valid need to break up with him or at least re-evaluate the relationship with time apart. it came on the heels of the realization that i was truly going to lose my mom. laying in bed after a very discouraging day of watching her in excruciating pain and despair , with no way to help her, i had a sudden realization that one day i would no longer be able to kiss her forehead or embrace her, or enjoy her cute and quirky humor, or talk deeply about our spiritual and emotional processes that enabled our reunion after many years of estrangement. a chasm opened up in me and i tried to close it quickly by eliminating any further risk of loss. my mind immediately went to my relationship and i thought, this is too risky, i have to keep my head and go back to just me where no one can impact my heart.
i employed some deactivating strategies with him but also struggled to resist them. he helped me. when i expressed confusion and distancing things he remained stable and non-reactive; he was gently and lovingly RESPONSIVE. He saw my struggle and gently, quietly, calmed me, with simple and reassuring words. He reached out to me in my isolation to acknowledge my deep pain about my mother, he didn't let my distancing phase him in regard to our relationship. He gave very clear and simple signs that we were going to draw together and not apart. And he did it in such a simple and confident way.
So, i was able with his help to manage a devastating deactivation episode. This has made my love and respect and admiration and appreciation for him deeper, when i thought it was already as deep as a person can feel!
It makes me cry and catch my breath as i write this, it moves me so much.
I am in awe every day about this love i find myself in. I am nearly 50 and i found my home with his heart and i sometimes can scarcely believe it, but that doesn't mean i doubt it.
There is ABSOLUTELY hope to heal injured attachment, even in dismissives.
Without a doubt.
He is healing, i am healing, we all can heal.
There will be those who are brainwashed by all the fear based, negative conditioning coming from the "experts". But the two dismissives who came together to create and build this forum for a place for dismissives to fellowship and heal are the real experts.
Those who will certainly come and join and trust and open and transform are the real experts.
Our attraction and regard for each other has been strong from the beginning and continues, even stronger as time and experience with each other goes on.
While we share the same attachment style and have a deep appreciation and understanding of the ways we are similar, the attachment wounds have obviously created in each of us our own insecurities, misunderstandings, blind spots, defenses, and trust issues.
In the early days, while our friendship was growing and our sexual bond was very strong, we both had a very difficult time trusting the intentions and care of the other. I'm not referring to intention as far as commitment to relationship- i mean, will you turn against me, do you want to know me, do you respect me, can i share with you when i am having a bad day?
Am i important to you?
I can look back at the things that would trigger pain between us, and see so clearly that it all started with misunderstanding and viewing the other through a smudged lens. So a conversation that seemed good to one would have triggered the other and nothing was known until we werent speaking.
Often it was in communication, something innocuous would trigger the other into a doubtful or defensive stance, and as avoidants, the triggered one would not address the ping of pain as it happened and question it. Instead, the misunderstanding was pocketed and taken home for reinforcement by analysis and rumination. We both had a tendency to do this.
Our subsequent reactions to the trigger were different.
my history is full of relationships dangerous to both my emotional and physical well being.
I have really only experienced high levels of abuse in my relationships, and i am certain that my ability to enter into and remain in such grave situations was conditioned by the extreme personality difficulties and violence in my parent's relationship.
So, even after overcoming PTSD and physical trust issues to the point of completely eliminating abuse of any kind from my life, and even while i enjoy many healthy and peaceful and loving intimate relationships amongst friends and some family, i have a deep self protective mechanism around conflict in romantic relationship . We all do, i am sure. Mine is very decisive, action oriented, and sudden. that's because in the past i have had to act quickly to avoid damage to my head and body. so a serious trigger can lead to an undetected (by my partner) withdrawal of myself to a place of physical solitude and a sudden and seemingly irrevocable end to the relationship. it's been a hard wired response that i had little control of in the past. it was very painful to me on the inside while it was happening but it was like i was making a tough but responsible choice to drop everything and return to my stasis and i could not be swayed.
when my nervous system calmed and i got past the trigger, i and my partner would be left with a rather painful situation that was difficult to rectify. of course i felt shame and confusion at my own instability. it's not how i wanted to be. and he felt blindsided and hurt and the trust was eroded.
Sometimes we spent a little time apart regrouping and having uncertainty about our connection, sometimes we spent weeks broken up. Our deeper connection consistently brought us back together. We've always been able to talk deeply to understand what happened, but a logical knowing vs. an emotional ability to heal from it prevented us from really settling into a comfortable trusting bond.
The last time i broke up with him, i felt completely unable to continue the cycle and so did he. our issue was NOT only how i responded to triggers, strongly and automatically. there were issues in communication and openness that created a fertile ground for the land mines that needed to be addressed. Both of us maintained a certain level of ambivalence and ambiguity in the relationship naturally, as avoidants, that consistently kept our growing attachment to each other in check.
We sabotaged ourselves.
During our estrangement, the last time, I spent a good amount of time going very deeply into inner child work, and also specifically addressing my own communication to ensure clarity, authenticity, and vulnerability. Eventually i had an epiphany in this work that enabled me to approach my partner with a new sense of inner peace and security. it didn't happen in just those months apart. it was the culmination of years of work that came to maturity with my willingness and diligence to make a big push forward when i was faced with losing him forever, because of my own rejection of him and not the other way around. My unconscious reactions had to heal.
I did approach him with my new self, my more resolved and integrated and healed self. We reunited with an intention toward deep friendship. Our time apart was useful to both to make concrete our real desire to resolve conflict and improve our relationship stability. Neither were sure what direction our relationship would take, either friendship or a resumed romantic progression. All we knew, and expressed, is that we wanted to be good to each other and stop hurting each other and never say goodbye again.
Over the time that has passed since reconciling, our dynamic has changed completely. In a good way. We haven't repeated the pattern of pain! I have noticed some obvious changes in his communication as well as my own. It's endearing, actually, to see him looking for clarification as frequently as he did, while we rebuilt trust. i didn't realize how often HE was triggered, but it became apparent with his new habit of asking me "What do you mean, i don't understand." He had been misunderstanding and becoming defensive internally, so often, without my knowing! And on my side, i had been also in a pattern of ambiguous or double entendre communication to avoid vulnerability and intimacy.
It didn't take a very long time to make adjustments in our level of honesty, gentleness, "generosity of spirit" (as Goldilocks has illuminated ) and tolerance for another point of view. Our bond is deep and safe and sweet, and so much more relaxed and stable. We aren't having the setbacks we used to have.
Recently, i experienced a deep and intense deactivation trigger due to the decline of my ailing mother. It flipped me into a deactivating mechanism with my partner and after months of wonderful and safe relating i was overcome by a sudden and seemingly valid need to break up with him or at least re-evaluate the relationship with time apart. it came on the heels of the realization that i was truly going to lose my mom. laying in bed after a very discouraging day of watching her in excruciating pain and despair , with no way to help her, i had a sudden realization that one day i would no longer be able to kiss her forehead or embrace her, or enjoy her cute and quirky humor, or talk deeply about our spiritual and emotional processes that enabled our reunion after many years of estrangement. a chasm opened up in me and i tried to close it quickly by eliminating any further risk of loss. my mind immediately went to my relationship and i thought, this is too risky, i have to keep my head and go back to just me where no one can impact my heart.
i employed some deactivating strategies with him but also struggled to resist them. he helped me. when i expressed confusion and distancing things he remained stable and non-reactive; he was gently and lovingly RESPONSIVE. He saw my struggle and gently, quietly, calmed me, with simple and reassuring words. He reached out to me in my isolation to acknowledge my deep pain about my mother, he didn't let my distancing phase him in regard to our relationship. He gave very clear and simple signs that we were going to draw together and not apart. And he did it in such a simple and confident way.
So, i was able with his help to manage a devastating deactivation episode. This has made my love and respect and admiration and appreciation for him deeper, when i thought it was already as deep as a person can feel!
It makes me cry and catch my breath as i write this, it moves me so much.
I am in awe every day about this love i find myself in. I am nearly 50 and i found my home with his heart and i sometimes can scarcely believe it, but that doesn't mean i doubt it.
There is ABSOLUTELY hope to heal injured attachment, even in dismissives.
Without a doubt.
He is healing, i am healing, we all can heal.
There will be those who are brainwashed by all the fear based, negative conditioning coming from the "experts". But the two dismissives who came together to create and build this forum for a place for dismissives to fellowship and heal are the real experts.
Those who will certainly come and join and trust and open and transform are the real experts.
